My Heart Is At Ease

"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me."

Often times, I compare myself to other people.  I look at what they have and I look at what I don't, and I think to myself, "Okay so, what's so wrong with me that I don't have that?"  It's something that I've struggled with for some time now.  I look around at my peers who are planning weddings, buying baby clothes, and celebrating 5-year anniversaries; purchasing their first homes, getting big promotions, moving far away from home, and traveling the world.  Then I look at myself:  Alexis Byrd, 24, still living at home, working at the college she graduated from; no boyfriend, or baby, or one-way plane ticket in sight.  It's pretty soul-crushing when I put it that way.

But then, I really think about it... What if God has something so good planned for me that if I got it all right now it wouldn't make sense?  What if He wants me to appreciate it so much that He's waiting to give it to me?  What if, somewhere out there, a guy is asking God these same questions and God is planning our "meet cute."  (For those who don't know, or haven't seen The Holiday, a meet cute is a scene in which a future romantic couple meets for the first time in an insanely adorable way).  There are so many questions and I can't wait until God thinks I am ready to get the answers.

It's all about trust and faith.  I'm so glad that I've gotten the chance to grow in these areas lately.  I needed it so much.  What questions keep you up at night?  Are you worried that your life won't end up the way you want.  Just know that God doesn't give us the things we want; He gives us the things we need.  He knows us.  Trust in Him.  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

-Jeremiah 29:11

xx,

Lex

Work In Progress

"The only way that we can live is if we grow.  The only way that we can grow is if we change.  

The only way that we can change is if we learn.  The only way we can learn if we are exposed.  

And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open.  

Do it.  Throw yourself."

I've done it.  I've thrown myself.  I've thrown myself into the deep and scary unknown.  Being someone who suffers from anxiety, the unknown is my biggest enemy.  (Why would you ever want to not know something?  Spontaneity has baffled me for years.)  However, I had gotten to a point in my life where nothing made sense.  My constant need to want to know everything and plan out my life down to the very second didn't work.  I was miserable.  My anxiety and depression grew worse because of it.  I was on my last leg.  

If you check out my previous post, How To Save A Life, you'll read about the most awesome experience I've ever had in my life.  The very experience that saved my life.  Now, I'm faced with the dreaded, "what's next?"  I'm not entirely sure what is next, to be honest.  Right now, I'm just floating on this beautiful cloud of life.  I'm enamored by it.  The other day, I drove home from work in a dark and loud thunderstorm, and do you know what my initial thought was, "Wow, weather is a beautiful thing."  Like.  What?  Who am I?  I was actually sitting back and enjoying the rain; enjoying the loud claps of thunder above me; the flash of the lightening.  It was beautiful.  And I was content.

For me, what's next is just living - intentionally and thoughtfully.  My priority is to strengthen my bond with Jesus Christ, for without Him, I wouldn't be typing this.  I have always been religious, but I have found that when I really put a strong focus on my relationship with Him, I flourish.  I am more positive, and upbeat, and loving.  All good things.  In no way am I saying that everyone needs to do this, but it's what works for me.  I am a better person now.  Find something positive in your life that makes you a better person.  I will never be a perfect person.  I don't want to be perfect.  I will never be free of sinning.  I will make mistakes.  However, I will try my hardest every single day to be the best version of myself that I can be.  I will forever be a work in progress.  

Right now, I'm this 20-something year old girl, who is so exposed and totally vulnerable.  I'm embracing this vulnerability for it is teaching me so much about myself and changing me for the better.  However, just because I'm embracing the exposure, I can't say that I'm not scared.  I am.  Scared.  My mind is flooded with "what if's" - as it probably always will be.  The goal isn't about being not scared.  The goal is to be scared and be okay with it.  The goal is to trust God. I don't want fear to rule my life.  I was created to do great things, and fear is a bully who tries to keep me from my calling.  I have to believe that, and I have to remember that.  I can't let things I can't control consume me.  Basically, I have to punch fear in the face.  I'm up for that challenge.

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable.  Thank you for allowing to me to really work on practicing what I preach.  Thank you for allowing me to be a work in progress.

xx,

Lex

Instagram Round-Up

As many of you know, I absolutely love to take pictures of my outfits.  Clothes are like therapy to me and I want to share it with the world!  I always post #ootd (Outfit of the Day) selfies on my Instagram account, so for those of you who missed out, you're in luck!  Below is a little Instagram Round-Up of my outfits from this past week.  Enjoy!

I'm obsessed with a good mint and navy color combo. | Mint cardigan:  Eddie Bauer.  Navy dress:  Old Navy.  Necklace:  Francesca's.  Floral flats:  Target.

Saturday dinner with my sweet momma! | Military jacket:  Banana Republic.  "Make Me Brunch" tee:  Kohl's.  Super skinny jeans:  Abercrombie & Fitch.  Pink toms:  Toms.  Wallet:  Kate Spade.

Sundays are the best days. | Mint cropped pants:  Gap.  Nude flats:  Target.  Wallet:  Kate Spade.

Navy, tan, and monograms.  |  Dress:  JCPenney.  Tan cardigan:  Eddie Bauer.  Wedges:  JCPenney.  Earrings:  Altar'd State.  Monogram necklace:  Three Hip Chicks.

And there ya have it!  I hope everyone has an amazing Sunday and a great upcoming week!

If you're interested in checking out more of my Instagram posts, follow me @lexdbyrd or click the little camera icon on the right task bar under my picture.

"Guard, through the Holy Spirit who lives in us, that good thing entrusted to you."

- 2 Timothy 1:14

How To Save A Life

I want to save lives.  No, not like being a doctor or anything.  (Did you catch that Grey's Anatomy reference in the post title?  Ugh, forever missing you, McDreamy! *sobbing.*)  I want to inspire people to keep living.  I have had my fair share of rough times.  I didn't want to live anymore.  Thankfully, I kept pushing through.  Determined to find my purpose and beat this struggle, I cried out to God for help.  "Please Lord, help me.  Show me the way.  I'm following you.  I trust you.  I give it all to you!"  This was just two days ago. 

Yesterday I woke up with more ease and clarity than normal, but not thinking much about my outcry from the day before.  It was a decent day, overall, and when you're always flooded with bad days, you become extremely thankful for the decent ones.  This morning I woke up like that once more.  Things were decent.  The weather was crisp, yet beautiful.  I jammed along to my favorite songs while cruising through rather easy traffic.  I walked into my office, started my computer, opened up my different email accounts and went to put my lunchbox in the fridge.  As I walked back to my computer, that's when I saw it.  I had an email on my blog's email account.  What?  Is this spam?  I never, EVER get actual, legitimate emails on this account.  And this is when it all changed.

I had received an email from someone who read my last entry, "What's The Point?"  They said that reading that entry was like they were reading a page from their own journal.  My heart was exploding.  I read this email and I wept.  I wept because I hated how they had been feeling.  I knew what that feeling was like.  I wept because they read my blog and felt inspired and not so alone.  I wept because my vulnerability gave them the courage to be vulnerable with me.  I wept because at that very moment, I felt something so unimaginable. 

I read I Am Second a while ago.  (If you haven't, I suggest that you pick up a copy or check out their website for videos.  It's pretty awesome.)  In the book, all of the testimonials talk about this moment where they were tired of living their lives how they had been living them.  They wanted more.  They cried out to God and gave it all to Him, and it all changed.  They could feel His spirit and His power.  It was in that moment that they found their purpose and everything just made sense.  I was so intrigued by this.  I had never had a feeling like this before.  It's one of things where you think to yourself, "did that really happen?" 

Well, it happened to me.  Today.  This very morning.  As I was reading that email.  This uncontrollable feeling of euphoria, and gratitude, and unbelievable grace washed over me, and I felt it.  I could not stop crying.  This was it.  I was feeling God's love.  He was showing me my purpose.  He led me straight to it and all I had to say was "yes, I will follow you."  I am crying writing this.

I had to share this.  This moment saved my life.  Now, I can help others save their own. 

My heart is so incredibly full.


xx,
Lex



What's The Point?

"But the Lord is with me like a Mighty Warrior."

-Jeremiah 20:11

So, for the past couple of days, I've been struggling.  Struggling SO hard.  I have no idea why.  That's the thing about having depression.  Sometimes things just suck, for no rhyme or reason.  Y'all, it's the pits, and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.  I had a rough morning the other day.  Tears in eyes, I kept saying to my mom, "I just don't get why I'm here.  I am so alone.  What's the point?"  Her response:  "Because God has a plan for you.  You are not alone."  She's right.  God does have a plan for me.  I just wish I knew what it was.  What can I say?  I'm a pretty impatient person.

Even though I've been feeling down on myself, I've made a point to be somewhat inspiring to others. One of my greatest dreams in life is to impact people and to help them.  A year ago, if you would've asked me what I wanted in life, I would've said money, or fame, or something else that sounded equally as selfish.  But this isn't a year ago, and I'm not that person anymore.  (Good riddance!)

One of my good friends sent me a text the other day. She said, "you have, by the far, the most positive Instagram ever, and I'll look at it every time I'm having a crappy stressful day."  My heart exploded.  Like EXPLODED!  Reading that, my heart filled with joy and I honestly could not stop smiling.  This is my whole purpose for writing and sharing entirely too much about my life.  I want people to come across my work and my stories, and feel inspired, empowered; worth it.  Is this my purpose?  Is this "the point?"  

Every day is a battle for me.  A rough battle.  The best thing about going through my struggles is that I'm getting a clear view of who deserves to be in my life, who actually cares about me, who wants to support me.  It's been the weirdest experience.  When you're going through something as crazy as this, you need a good group of people around you.  Unfortunately, that group of people, for me, is very small.  Microscopic, even. People who I've known for so long, and love dearly, aren't exactly part of that group.  And that's okay.  I don't love those people any less.  I understand that it is hard to be my friend.  I come with a lot of baggage that most people don't have to carry.  But it's hard.  If you ever feel like you don't have a good supporting cast by your side, please, please, please reach out to me.  Let me know.  I would be more than happy to serve as that friend for you.  There is nothing worse than feeling alone.

Going forward, I have to be extremely careful about what, and who, I involve myself with.  I have to do what's best for my health.  I have to be honest about the patterns I see in my life and how I deal with certain situations.  It will not be fun.  However, it is what God has given me, and I have to be okay with that.  God has given everyone something.  Something to challenge them; something for them to overcome; something to inspire them to become a better person.  This must be my thing.  

I really hope that people can understand where I'm coming from and the decisions that I have to make in the future.  I hope no one thinks that I'm a hypocrite or I'm making anything up.  I hate to cause conflict and I hate to disappoint and upset people.  But I have to do what is right for me.  

I hope my journey can inspire others to cut out negativity, delve into self-reflection, create honest environments, and above all, sow a fulfilling life with a cultivated heart.  Do what is best for you.  Be who you are and try your hardest to be your best self every day.  If people don't support you, then that's fine.  God is with you.  He is always with you.  You are never alone.  And as long as you know me, you will forever have a friend.

I apologize for the ranting, and the confusion, and the crazy train that I call my life, but I thank you for reading it.  If you are looking for resources to better your life, please reach out to me!  I have done so much research, and Instagram stalking, and I have found the best accounts and people to follow for inspiring and encouraging words.  Although I haven't quite figured out what my purpose in life is or why God has brought me to these places, I'm sure that the answer will arise soon.  This blog may be part of the answer.

The Boy Vacation

She had not known the weight until she had felt the freedom...

For over a month now, I've been on what I have deemed, "The Boy Vacation."  No, that does not mean that I went on a vacation to solely scope out men. (Even though that sounds fun!)  It's quite the opposite actually.  I am staying away from the opposite sex.  Well, okay, not entirely.  Friendship-only relationships are fine, but it can't be anything more than that.  It's been tough, but so worth it.

It's time that you give yourself what you deserve.  Like, actually deserve.  For SO LONG, I was wasting my time.  I ended up "liking" whoever liked me.  I just liked to be liked.  It's sad when you think about it, isn't it?  I wanted the whole picture perfect relationship.  I just wanted everyone to believe that my life was so great.  But it wasn't.  I lived a life of misery; feeling incomplete just because I wanted someone to complete me. 

Well, one day, I got sick of it.  I realized that I needed to only worry about two things:  myself and God.  That's what was going to make me whole.  What's the point of having a relationship where you've settled, aren't happy, and are probably getting treated badly, when you can focus on giving yourself what you deserve, making yourself happy, and treating yourself with the utmost respect?

This time has allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible.  I know what I want and I'm not afraid to voice my opinions.  I no longer care about what others want me to do or what they think of me.  I've been able to prioritize and organize my life, and really figure out the kind of people I want to be part of it. 

Don't get me wrong, I still love boys, and this vacation isn't forever.  It's just time that I needed to allot for myself; time that I wasn't giving to myself otherwise.  I was talking to my therapist the other day, and she said, "Alexis, you have ZERO space in your life for negative people.  Cut it out."  And that's what I'm doing. 

I still have my bad days.  I still have my days where I don't want to get out of bed.  But guess what?  That's okay.  I'm a work in progress.  The good thing is that when I'm having these bad moments, I know that it's not dependent on someone else ruining my day.  It's me.  I don't want anyone to have enough power over me that they can change my mood like that.  With this vacation, (I still can't believe I called it that), I've taken all the control and the power back.  And let me tell ya, it feels good. 

If you feel as though you've ever has these kinds of experiences, please think about taking a little "time out."  You'll thank me later!  Feel free to ask me questions, as well.  I'm an open book and love to help others whenever I can.  My email is lextherapy@gmail.com.


xx,
Lex

My 9 Makeup Bag Must-Haves

Lately, I've been doing a lot of shopping at Sephora.  Like, a lot.  If you're ever wondering what to get me as a present, shoot for a Sephora gift card.  Over the past couple weeks, I've found some of my favorite products in the whole world.  They're all super easy to use and last ALL DAY.  I will say, they are a tad pricey, but I've found that it's so much easier to spend the extra $$$ on products that I like and that actually work, than to waste money on less expensive products that will go straight in the garbage.  Although I have lots of makeup favorites, here are my latest buys and my 9 must-haves.

#1 - ANASTASIA BEVERLY HILLS CONTOUR KIT -- Magic.  Pure magic.  After prepping with moisturizer and foundation, I play around with this baby.  Personally I use the "Banana" for highlighting and the "Havana" for contouring.  I can make it as simple or as dramatic as I like, and it's actually really easy to use.  Did I forget to mention that it makes my skin feel super smooth?  Amazing.  ($40)

#2 - NARS KABUKI ITA BRUSH -- This little guy makes applying the ABH contour kit foolproof.  A friend recommended this brush to me, and I must say, I was super skeptical about paying that much for "just a makeup brush."  However, it was love at first use.  It's in the absolute PERFECT shape to do the contouring on my cheekbones.  ($55)

#3 - ANASTASIA BEVERLY HILLS PRO PENCIL EYESHADOW PRIMER AND COLOR CORRECTOR -- Want a go-to for basically everything?  BUY THIS.  I use ONE thing for the following tasks:  highlighting on my brow bones, covering up pesky little brow hairs, concealing, highlighting the bridge of my nose, lining the outer part of lips, and priming my lids for eyeshadow.  UM, ONE PRODUCT.  End of discussion.  ($18)

#4 - ANASTASIA BEVERLY HILLS BROW WIZ -- I have insane, out of control, furry caterpillar eyebrows.  Unruly.  Brow Wiz not only fills them in, but it also keeps them in a tamed manner.  I absolutely hate thin eyebrows, so this is a must-have for me.  ($21)

#5 - THE ORIGINAL BEAUTYBLENDER -- This little cutie makes blending a breeze.  After you are done conturing and highlighting, you have to blend!  I take this one sponge and simply "bounce" the product across my face.  It allows for a #flawless finish. ($19.95)  

#6 - YVES SAINT LAURENT MASCARA VOLUME EFFET FAUX CILS BABY DOLL -- I'm a sucker for lashes.  Big, long, voluminous lashes.  I used to use 3 different ones... 3!!!  So unnecessary.  With YSL, I only need one product.  And guess what, ladies?  No clumping!  I barely even use an eyelash curler because I don't need it!  Two thumbs up.  ($30)

#7 - STILA LUSH LIPS WATER PLUMPING PRIMER -- If you have trouble keeping color on your lips, get this.  It goes on just like a lipgloss and it does not dry out your lips.  I swipe it on, wait about 15 seconds, and then I add my favorite color on top.  Picture perfect for the next few hours!  ($21)

#8 - YVES SAINT LAURENT ROUGE VOLUPTE SHINE (13-PINK IN PARIS) AND ROUGE PUR COUTURE VERNIS A LEVRES GLOSSY STAIN - REBEL NUDES (105-CORAIL HOLD UP) -- I don't think I'll ever buy another brand when it comes to lip products.  They are moisturizing, ultra pigmented, and long-lasting.  And they smell delicious!  I've gotten a few different shades and types (shine, matte, etc.), and I love them all, but the two listed above are my faves.  ($36 each)

#9 - E.L.F. MAKEUP MIST & SET -- So okay, this isn't from Sephora, BUT it's wonderful, and even better, CHEAP!  Spray in a "T" and "X" motion on your face after your makeup is done, and let air dry for a few minutes.  Voila!  Your makeup is set for the whole day.  Never use hairspray for this - your face will dry out and you will break out!  Believe me, I know from experience.  ($3)

And there you have it:  my 9 must-haves in my makeup bag.  All of these lovely products can be found at Sephora except for the setting spray, which can be found at Target stores.  Got some faves of your own that you think I should try?!  Let me know!

I would cry but my mascara is designer.
Life is short, wear more makeup.
Losing you hurt, but losing my makeup bag would be a tragedy.