What's The Point?

"But the Lord is with me like a Mighty Warrior."

-Jeremiah 20:11

So, for the past couple of days, I've been struggling.  Struggling SO hard.  I have no idea why.  That's the thing about having depression.  Sometimes things just suck, for no rhyme or reason.  Y'all, it's the pits, and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.  I had a rough morning the other day.  Tears in eyes, I kept saying to my mom, "I just don't get why I'm here.  I am so alone.  What's the point?"  Her response:  "Because God has a plan for you.  You are not alone."  She's right.  God does have a plan for me.  I just wish I knew what it was.  What can I say?  I'm a pretty impatient person.

Even though I've been feeling down on myself, I've made a point to be somewhat inspiring to others. One of my greatest dreams in life is to impact people and to help them.  A year ago, if you would've asked me what I wanted in life, I would've said money, or fame, or something else that sounded equally as selfish.  But this isn't a year ago, and I'm not that person anymore.  (Good riddance!)

One of my good friends sent me a text the other day. She said, "you have, by the far, the most positive Instagram ever, and I'll look at it every time I'm having a crappy stressful day."  My heart exploded.  Like EXPLODED!  Reading that, my heart filled with joy and I honestly could not stop smiling.  This is my whole purpose for writing and sharing entirely too much about my life.  I want people to come across my work and my stories, and feel inspired, empowered; worth it.  Is this my purpose?  Is this "the point?"  

Every day is a battle for me.  A rough battle.  The best thing about going through my struggles is that I'm getting a clear view of who deserves to be in my life, who actually cares about me, who wants to support me.  It's been the weirdest experience.  When you're going through something as crazy as this, you need a good group of people around you.  Unfortunately, that group of people, for me, is very small.  Microscopic, even. People who I've known for so long, and love dearly, aren't exactly part of that group.  And that's okay.  I don't love those people any less.  I understand that it is hard to be my friend.  I come with a lot of baggage that most people don't have to carry.  But it's hard.  If you ever feel like you don't have a good supporting cast by your side, please, please, please reach out to me.  Let me know.  I would be more than happy to serve as that friend for you.  There is nothing worse than feeling alone.

Going forward, I have to be extremely careful about what, and who, I involve myself with.  I have to do what's best for my health.  I have to be honest about the patterns I see in my life and how I deal with certain situations.  It will not be fun.  However, it is what God has given me, and I have to be okay with that.  God has given everyone something.  Something to challenge them; something for them to overcome; something to inspire them to become a better person.  This must be my thing.  

I really hope that people can understand where I'm coming from and the decisions that I have to make in the future.  I hope no one thinks that I'm a hypocrite or I'm making anything up.  I hate to cause conflict and I hate to disappoint and upset people.  But I have to do what is right for me.  

I hope my journey can inspire others to cut out negativity, delve into self-reflection, create honest environments, and above all, sow a fulfilling life with a cultivated heart.  Do what is best for you.  Be who you are and try your hardest to be your best self every day.  If people don't support you, then that's fine.  God is with you.  He is always with you.  You are never alone.  And as long as you know me, you will forever have a friend.

I apologize for the ranting, and the confusion, and the crazy train that I call my life, but I thank you for reading it.  If you are looking for resources to better your life, please reach out to me!  I have done so much research, and Instagram stalking, and I have found the best accounts and people to follow for inspiring and encouraging words.  Although I haven't quite figured out what my purpose in life is or why God has brought me to these places, I'm sure that the answer will arise soon.  This blog may be part of the answer.