Work In Progress

"The only way that we can live is if we grow.  The only way that we can grow is if we change.  

The only way that we can change is if we learn.  The only way we can learn if we are exposed.  

And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open.  

Do it.  Throw yourself."

I've done it.  I've thrown myself.  I've thrown myself into the deep and scary unknown.  Being someone who suffers from anxiety, the unknown is my biggest enemy.  (Why would you ever want to not know something?  Spontaneity has baffled me for years.)  However, I had gotten to a point in my life where nothing made sense.  My constant need to want to know everything and plan out my life down to the very second didn't work.  I was miserable.  My anxiety and depression grew worse because of it.  I was on my last leg.  

If you check out my previous post, How To Save A Life, you'll read about the most awesome experience I've ever had in my life.  The very experience that saved my life.  Now, I'm faced with the dreaded, "what's next?"  I'm not entirely sure what is next, to be honest.  Right now, I'm just floating on this beautiful cloud of life.  I'm enamored by it.  The other day, I drove home from work in a dark and loud thunderstorm, and do you know what my initial thought was, "Wow, weather is a beautiful thing."  Like.  What?  Who am I?  I was actually sitting back and enjoying the rain; enjoying the loud claps of thunder above me; the flash of the lightening.  It was beautiful.  And I was content.

For me, what's next is just living - intentionally and thoughtfully.  My priority is to strengthen my bond with Jesus Christ, for without Him, I wouldn't be typing this.  I have always been religious, but I have found that when I really put a strong focus on my relationship with Him, I flourish.  I am more positive, and upbeat, and loving.  All good things.  In no way am I saying that everyone needs to do this, but it's what works for me.  I am a better person now.  Find something positive in your life that makes you a better person.  I will never be a perfect person.  I don't want to be perfect.  I will never be free of sinning.  I will make mistakes.  However, I will try my hardest every single day to be the best version of myself that I can be.  I will forever be a work in progress.  

Right now, I'm this 20-something year old girl, who is so exposed and totally vulnerable.  I'm embracing this vulnerability for it is teaching me so much about myself and changing me for the better.  However, just because I'm embracing the exposure, I can't say that I'm not scared.  I am.  Scared.  My mind is flooded with "what if's" - as it probably always will be.  The goal isn't about being not scared.  The goal is to be scared and be okay with it.  The goal is to trust God. I don't want fear to rule my life.  I was created to do great things, and fear is a bully who tries to keep me from my calling.  I have to believe that, and I have to remember that.  I can't let things I can't control consume me.  Basically, I have to punch fear in the face.  I'm up for that challenge.

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable.  Thank you for allowing to me to really work on practicing what I preach.  Thank you for allowing me to be a work in progress.

xx,

Lex