A Fresh Start

These past two weeks have been absolutely overwhelming for me.  Admitting to everyone that my bouts with anxiety and depression were unmanageable and that I was seeking help from a therapist was a HUGE step for me to take.  Once I did this, I realized that it was time to make some other very hard decisions.  It was time that I put myself first and give myself what I needed in order to get back to being 100%.  I ended a relationship with someone who I (foolishly) thought I was going to marry.  This was so hard.  I loved this person so much, and still do, but it became pretty clear to me that I wasn't getting the respect and love out of the relationship that I deserved.  I also left my job with a company that I dearly adore.  The stress that my job brought to my life was unhealthy and although I love the people, I had to put myself first.  Yesterday was my last day and I cried on the way home.  For a while, I felt like my whole world was getting flipped upside down.  What in the world was I going to do?  But then I realized that God has such a big plan for me and I just have to trust Him.  He had put these obstacles in my life because He knew I could knock them down.  He did this so I could become a much stronger and better person.  As much as I'm hurting, I'm so grateful to Him for this opportunity to get myself on track and become the woman that I want to be.  It's a almost like a second chance; a fresh start.  I usually hate change, but I am fully embracing this one.  I got my hair cut to a length much shorter than I've ever had and I'm beginning my Master's degree program next month.  For once, I have no idea where my life is going and I'm okay with it.  Is this what happiness feels like?!  I could not be more blessed to have such amazing family and friends in my like who support me and love me for exactly who I am.  I would not have been able to take any of these steps without them.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.  I'll keep you posted!

xx,

Lex

No More Acting

Life is so interesting.  Sometimes it’s easy – other times, not so much.  Lately, my life has been a lot of the latter.  I’ve always been the kind of person who hates asking for help.  For almost my entire life, I was always the one who had it together.  I knew what I wanted to do in life and I knew how I was going to get there; nothing was going to stand in my way.  Although I’m still a girl with plenty of ambition, I don’t have it all together.  For the past couple of weeks I’ve been experiencing intense anxiety and depression.  It has completely disrupted my life.  I have no desire to get out of bed in the morning; I cry when I have to leave my house; and just when I think I’ve got my feet planted firmly on the ground, I begin to cringe about waking up the next day.  For a really long time I thought that this was just a stage I was going through – thought that it would pass and that I was just throwing myself a pity party.  But as time went on, I realized that this was not the case.  I’ve been to this place before and I had arrived at it again – this time, much worse.  It took a lot of strength and courage for me to finally open up to my parents and ask for help.  I’ve started seeing a therapist; and even after just two sessions, I can already tell the difference in my attitude.  I am positive that one day (hopefully soon), I will be able to be myself again, but it is going to take some time.  I have always been a great actress – I smile and say that “I’m fine,” but it’s time that I put myself first and stop lying to everyone, myself included.  In no way am I looking for anyone to shower me with attention, nor am I really looking for anyone’s support, I just felt that it was necessary for me to be honest about what I’m going through.  For those of you who have ever felt this way, I highly encourage you to reach out to a loved one for help – if you need someone, then I am here with a great pair of ears for listening.  You’re not alone.

I cannot stress enough how great it feels to finally be on this journey, and I am so excited for it!  No worries, I’ll still be writing J

xx,

Lex